you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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