I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
