Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
NoShamevember. You game?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
where are my eyebrows?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
