You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
