i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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