i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
