Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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