Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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