Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
