I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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