I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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