i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
