why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
