he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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