he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
