i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
