i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
