im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
