Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
