I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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