I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
