I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
