u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
