Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
