There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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