i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
