I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
