I murdered the dance floor call the cops
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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