he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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