fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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