My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
