I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
