It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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