I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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