you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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