you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
