my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
