I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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