I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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