is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
