You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
