So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
