I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
