she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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