Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
