my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
