Whod you bang
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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