Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
