I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
