What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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