Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
