If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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